Just wanted to drop by and say hello. I have been MIA for quite some time. Life has a way of doing that to you.
We are all fine though and I can’t wait until some normalcy comes about and I can blog more regularly. Until them stay blessed and encouraged!
Just wanted to drop by and say hello. I have been MIA for quite some time. Life has a way of doing that to you.
The one thing I appreciate about the biblical womanhood corner of the blogosphere is the positive encouragement to love, honor and cherish your husband no matter what. I actually look forward to a few blogs centered upon the positive marriage mindset rather than the blogs that center on frugality or cooking which are my other favorites. With that being said there is a reality in the fact that while we love our husbands for better or worse and we tuck that worse away from the open arena of our blogs, it really is hard sometimes to love him when he disappoints you.
I have a few friends and family, some who are believers and the others are not, who are experiencing this stalemate in their marriage. I find myself listening to horror stories and the fleshly part of me wants to say “girl pack your bags and go” but the spiritual me always gently reminds them that” God above all is able to change those things about him that you can’t, and to keep trying to win them over with love and kindness.” But after all that, the common denominator is that at some point in the marriage they became disappointed in their spouses. I would be lying if I said I knew all the answers because there was a point in time where I deep down inside felt the same way. BUT before you tell me to tuck it away just walk with me down this path that may lead to a rabbit hole….
I just recently had a conversation with a dear friend of mine who is a strong Christian and an anointed praying woman, and in our conversation she mentioned that she was struggling because her husband was drawing away from the church. It was so emotional to her because before their nuptials she stipulated the importance of him being a strong spiritual leader. Disappointment for her right now is an understatement. We have yet to finish our discussion and thinking about it is what prompted this post.
Mark and I just celebrated our 3yr anniversary this month, and while I thought last year was full of growing pains this past year surpassed those. Even still though, I love him more now than I did then. Back then he was my Superman, today however, he is my Clark Kent. Clark was always my favorite of two by the way.
The one thing that drew me to my husband was his anointing prayers and his powerful praise and worship I held him in such high spiritual regard and I knew that he was the spiritual leader for me and my girls and that when we got married that would be the one area I knew would make our home flourish. Needless to say, that when I lost my job and became a stay at home mom we were living on prayers and daily manna. He was exhaustedly working two sometimes three jobs. We had a colicky baby who suffered from bad ear infections for over of the first year of life. Sleep escaped our vocabulary. As we approached year two we were running on empty and cruise control was sometimes a necessity. We were in love, but some days we were not in” like.”
When we first got married we would arise every morning and have prayer, we would have family devotion, we NEVER left each other or the house or cranked an ignition without a prayer even if it were over the phone. WE prayed. We became lost in the shuffle of life and little things started irking us, and there were times when we forgot what making up immediately meant. To say I was disappointed would be severely under exaggerated. In my mind and heart I started to blame him for not being the spiritual leader I thought he was. I would play “Lead Me” by Sanctus Reel over and over as an anthem for my disappointment.
Of course you know this story has a moral and a happy ending still under construction right? I don’t know what event happened or what the turning point was that caused me to inwardly be disappointed at my husband at times but I do remember having a come to Jesus meeting with myself and it hit me that my disappointment was MY fault. It was unfair for me to be disappointed at him for not doing or measuring up to the pedestal that I put him on. My disappointment was unfairly placed because my husband never once promised me that he had spiritual superhuman powers. He never promised me that he would never grow tired, frustrated, weary, or would never dare exhibit human error. I was the one who placed those expectations on him and on God. I was the one who forgot that my husband was honoring his vow to love, honor and cherish me. I forgot he was giving honor to me as the weaker vessel by making sure that I didn’t have to be the man of the family.
You see, sometimes we become tunnel blind. We place so much value on our role as Godly women that we expect our husbands to meet that same value without giving credence to him having an individual journey with God. We think because they honor us as being the weaker vessel that they somehow become invincible to weakness themselves. As I step back and watch in retrospect those very stormy times, I see that they happened in the midst of us leaving the church where we met, and breaking away from the pastor that married us and counseled us was very emotional for both of us. We were in a place where it was just the two of us and God and while I trusted and supported his decision the thought never crossed my mind that he could ever be in an emotional valley because somewhere in my mind he was never allowed to come down from the mountain.
We have to remember that although we are one in the flesh, we still have individual spiritual journeys and that in those journeys we walk hills and plains, mountains and valleys and that it is during the valley experience that we are not always at our best. The same goes for our husbands. The valley is not a place to leave someone. I have never driven through Death Valley CA, but the one thing that I know is that they don’t call it Death Valley for nothing, and if I knew I were going there I would expect it not to be a fun place. The same goes with spiritual valleys. We know they are not fun places but we expect those who are in the valley to enjoy it.
The bottom line is this, if you feel that your husband is exhibiting disappointing behavior then ask God to show you where he is and to send him a rescue squad. Don’t leave him there to die. Don’t get mad at him for being in the valley if that is where he is, and if need be lower the expectations you have for him momentarily. Give them to God. I am not talking about abuse or unfaithfulness or lack of desire to provide for his family. I am talking about those experiences that cause you not to look at him with the same admiration as you did when you married him. Unless you both vowed never to disappoint each other, then you are going to disappoint each other, you are going to stumble, and you are going to have those moments where all you can do is crawl in the valley until you can climb up the mountain. Anything else is just a fairy tale. Don’t forget to head on over to Shelia ‘s at To Love Honor and Vacuum for her weekly Wifey Wednesday link up. Be blessed and stay encouraged!
*image taken from http://www.123rf.com/
Repost: I am going through some things personally and this is what registerd with me after reflecting upon yesterday’s sermom…
I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety. Psalms 4:8
Lately I have been thinking deeply and meditating hard on how to conduct myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually while waiting patiently and faithfully on the Lord to deliver through on a promise made. Last night my pastor touched briefly on Paul’s ordeal during the shipwreck and how even though things didn’t look so good, Paul held on and firmly relayed the message delivered by the angel, that all would be safe. Everyone on the ship believed him and felt safe in Pauls words of encouragement. Then my pastor’s wife made a comment that hit me like a ton of bricks, she said ” Paul believed in God’s word, and so the people believed in him, but then the ship wrecked and tore apart” What do you do when the storm tears up your ship before you are brought to safety? Good question.
Now we all know how the story ends, the ship wrecks yet they are all saved, the people on the island treated them well, Paul healed the sick, and fast forward three months later they set sail again with donated support from the locals. Now did God keep his promise to Paul? Yes it’s very obvious. But if you rewind back to the passage where the soldiers on the ship tried to save their lives by lowering the life boats and Paul tells them “no one will be saved unless we all stay on the ship” You will see that this is when the battle between confidence in God and human reasoning to save oneself because there is no good end in sight originates.
Imagine being in this situation, someone has told you that they were told by an angel that everyone will be fine, so you assume the storm is going to let up, and all will be fine. But soon after that the storm gets worse, you see no good ending in sight, so you do what comes natural, you try to save yourself from the storm and hope for the best. During the midst of the worse of the storm as you are trying not to drown you’re told , no one will make it unless we stay on this ship. While on this ship that is being battered by a horrible storm, you have a decision to make in that split second. You can trust what you have been told and ride it out or, you can jump ship and try to save yourself forgetting about the promise for your safety that was hand delivered by an angel of God to a minister of God. Not only that, but even when you trust him and stay on the boat, it still wrecks and breaks in little pieces, now you are stranded. Where is the promise of safety? Who is going to rescue you? You can’t turn around and go back, YOU HAVE NO BOAT!
I have been here many times, and many times my faith fails in this one single area. God has promised me something, given me his word to stand on, I claim it, hide it in my heart and patiently wait, then things don’t ever seem as if its getting better, it starts to get worse then I question my faith. I question if I am really going to get out of this situation? I start doubting myself and my relationship with God, I start to wonder did I pray amiss? Did I really hear God on this? Did I find this scripture myself to support what I want or did God really reveal it to me? Am I deceived? Am I still in God’s will? I could go on and on with the things that run through my mind.
But after reading this story and really, I mean really stewing in meditation, it really registered
that even though we go through things in this life, and God promises to deliver us, or to make us stronger, or that we need to just wait on him, that things can actually get worse for us before they get better. It doesn’t mean that God has forsaken us, or forgotten us, or that we didn’t receive a promise from him. He’s testing us. He is testing us to see if we will get off the boat that is about to crash into a million pieces in the middle of nowhere during one of the most fiercest storms of the season. That says a lot right there. It shows us where we are in our faith, where we are in our human reasoning, where we are in our trust. Think about how powerful Paul’s testimony had to be, not only did they trust him as he trusted God, but even after they wrecked, the soldiers wanted to kill all the prisoners for fear of escape, but because of the favor given to Paul, it didn’t happen.
There will be people around us who only look at our outward circumstances, they only see us as a prisoner who may try and escape, but God can give us favor with those who can save our lives and the lives of those just like us. People may never understand, empathize, sympathize or even care about us. They may just want to cast us aside and write us off. But it is our trusting in God through the most difficult of storms, shipwrecks, and castaways that gets us through.
It’s hiding his promise in our hearts when the pregnancy test comes out negative again and you know he has promised you a child, or when the husband neglects you yet another time but you know God promised you a marriage after his heart, when you have trusted in him for financial blessings that are direly needed, but the main breadwinner becomes un-employed, the mortgage is in foreclosure, the baby won’t feed from the “free milk” and you now need formula that costs the same as a utility bill. Through all of this, God is trying to see how close you are to him, how well do you know his voice, how fast will you look for a way out of your own, and how loud you cry to everyone but him during your time of distress.
I don’t know about you, but I am in the process of tearing apart all my little lifeboats. I am asking God to help me keep a calm piece during the midst of my storms, and to know that while storms don’t last always, they certainly can become more tempestuous before they end. I want to have the same peace as Jesus, when He and the disciples were also on a ship during a bad storm and during the storm Jesus was asleep. I don’t want to be like the disciples running around frantic and frustrated waking Jesus up out of his slumber to quiet a storm that only requires me to have the faith as His to ride it out in deep, peaceful sleep.
Stay Blessed and Encouraged.
Remember the lyrics from this ditty of a song:
Anything you can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
Better than you.
No, you can’t.
Yes, I can. No, you can’t.
Yes, I can. No, you can’t.
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!
Anything you can be
I can be greater.
Sooner or later,
I’m greater than you.
No, you’re not. Yes, I am.
No, you’re not. Yes, I am.
No, you’re NOT!. Yes, I am.
Yes, I am
Can I say I have ALWAYS hated that song! Even when I embraced the mindset of the modern day feminist, served as a US soldier and struggled as a single mother I always hated the fact some woman introduced the mindset that we can do anything better than a man and we really don’t need them. I thought about this mindset also when watching Oprah’s finale, Beyonce’ performed her latest female anthem hit “ Girls Who Run The World.”( I won’t post a link to the performance because I don’t support her music .)
Throughout my single life and my years in the world I encountered many a friend, co worker, colleague, relative and demographic of other women who feel we women can have it all, we don’t need a man to do anything. We could put ourselves through school, start our own businesses, adopt kids, achieve sexual satisfaction, heck even get pregnant and have instant families, just add sperm and stir! I remember the arguments I used to have with other women who felt I betrayed the “sisterhood” because I held firm even then against the ideal that men are useless. “Yes, you can go to the sperm bank”, I would say,”do IVF and have a baby, but guess what, I have yet to hear of any ground breaking scientific reports of sperm being created in a Petri dish! So until that happens we still need men!”
The mentality that women can do just as much as a man, accomplish more without one, and live perfectly normal lives without them sends a message of competition. It creates a sense of “one up-ness” and it sends a message of non- value to men. I think it is important to teach our daughters the value of men. We teach them what type of man to avoid, what kind they need to marry, what to look for in a man, how evil they are, how scary they are and ect… But do we teach them the value of a man? Not the possessive value either, but rather the singular God-given leadership value. I could not imagine a world of women protectors. Yes we are nurtures, we protect those we love, but the manly desire to serve and protect a woman and family is something we women can never create singularly. The sense of calm and ease my husband brings to the table cannot be manufactured or imitated. The honor he shows me as a wife exceeds on so many levels the honor I show myself as a woman.
There is something comforting to about my being “the weaker vessel.” I cherish that role because it means God has strategically placed someone in my life that is stronger than I. I don’t have to be responsible for carrying all the emotional, physical, and financial burdens. I can be vulnerable, I can have limitations, I can embrace my imperfections because in doing so it creates a sense of protectiveness in my husband who steps in and closes those gaps for me.
It doesn’t mean that I become mousy and incapable either. It simply means that I don’t have to accept the lie that men have nothing to offer me. I often tell my daughters that chivalry is not dead; women have just allowed it to go comatose. It is up to us to teach our young girls that it is perfectly fine for them to dream to be the woman who wants a husband, a house and kids and it’s perfectly okay not to grow up into a pushy, aggressive, competitive, overly independent lonely woman.
I am lost in the preverbal land of “Usedta”. I stumbled upon this land while strolling down Memory Lane. ” Usedta” is right on the border of” IRemembawhen” which is a stone’s throw from “Backinmyday”. I have been here so long that I have even adopted the dialect. Just the other day I found myself speaking in the native tongue and saying something that sounded like ” I rememberwhenIuseda” fit a size four. Then I said something of the sorts of “Iremembawhen” I lost my baby weight within a few weeks or “backinmyday I used to be able to eat anything I wanted day or night or ” Iremembawhen” I had the metabolism of a two year old. Sadly, this has become my tone of conversation. I am not happy with my weight and I struggle with that unhappiness because I also have a teenager daughter that struggles with negative body image and when people look at me, they don’t see me as I do because I am not fat, or big, or an unhealthy weight. I am often admonished when I say anything about my weight gain by those who have not known me from “backinmyday”. I am not happy with my body because I am unhealthy, and I have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle and because I have allowed years of unhealthy eating habits to deter me from a healthy lifestyle which has caught up with me now that I am older.
I have been living in a Twilight Zone of denial. I started with the traditional New Year’s Day I am going to be healthier this year mantra, but six months have gone by and I have gained about a pound a month which is not a lot at all, but it is when it is gained in all the wrong places. I still have my baby kangaroo pouch which I absolutely abhor. My thighs are chaffing when I walk, which I am totally not used to. I am exhausted beyond measure, and I just don’t feel confident or sexy anymore. I miss my old body, my old look, and my old metabolism! I will be 36 in a few weeks and I know that my metabolism has slowed down and reached a plateau and will never be as it was before .
I am not alone in this. The hub’s is right there with me, we are both lost in “The Land of Usedta”. In high school, college, and possible NLF opportunity Mark was a broad shouldered, muscle bound, middle linebacker, and the last three years of marriage and two years of pregnancy has kind of changed that. Unfortunately, he was one of those men who gains pregnancy pounds along with the mom to be. We both joked that he would get back into his routine but Graci is now 2years old and Tabron is now a year old and that routine got lost in the shuffle along with his former physique. We both shun neck down pictures, and clothes shopping. Looking at old pictures isn’t as fun as it used to be and has led from us strolling down memory lane and ending up lost in “The Land of Usedta”. See this picture to y our left, well lets just say my days of being picked up and carried over the threshold are no more. LOL! We miss those days!
Alas, there is light at the end of this foggy tunnel. We both have committed that starting tomorrow June 1, 2011 we are going to tackle finding our way out together. I have a target goal of losing 15 pounds and toning up the rest, and Mark has targeted a goal of losing 50 pounds which would put him at a smaller weight than before I met him. For us it’s not just about the weight loss. We really desire a lifestyle change. My oldest daughter is entering into junior high and is struggling with her own body image issues and the both of us figured that the only way aside from verbal encouragement is to stop wallowing in our own body image issues and tackle this as healthy, motivated adults and address the lifestyle choices, rather than the weight loss. I am only blogging about this as a way of accountability and motivation to take that first step in becoming more physically fit and changing my eating habits. I am also soliciting advice on working out as a couple with little ones. My older children are old enough to watch the littles for an hour or so while we work out but we can’t afford gym memberships. Working out to DVD’s are challenging as we lack the space and I am not a good follow along to a video type person. Any ideas would be so appreciated and prayers for us would be really appreciated. Be blessed and stay encouraged!
Yes, I watched the Royal Wedding and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I have seen. I was not old enough to see Princess Diana’s and Prince Charles’s wedding, and other than what I have seen portrayed in the movies this is my first time seeing an event so stately and with so much grace and grandeur. It was a very entertaining experience. So congratulations to the newly weds and I wish you much success!